Still Space
by I've Been Soniced
Summary: The ship is quite and every ones asleep, except Jayne. He cant sleep because no one will talk and hes having nightmares... Don't really know where I'm going with this but i might add more chapters later on if people like it.
1. Chapter 1

Everything's changed, and no one has said anything. Everyone goes about their jobs like there aren't three people missing, two of them forever, the other just….absent. We take jobs, shoot people, earn money, and no one has said anything. We eat, we talk, and sometimes we laugh but no one has mentioned that Book and Wash are dead and aren't coming back and that Zoe hasn't smiled since. Simon and Kaylee broke it off after a couple of weeks, not cause they didn't like each other or anything but…after so many months of sexual tension their relationship became more physical and they both agreed to remain friends with occasional benefits. Inara and Mal on the other hand seem to have finally slipped into the 'official' category of their relationship, Inara still works but she has cut down immensely on the clients she sees, Mal agreed, not because he liked it but because Inara made a point that her Companion connections could come useful on the job.

All this has happened and yet no one has the nerve to go up to Zoe and tell her to wake up, no one well tell her that it doesn't matter how much she kills herself on the inside, no matter how unhappy she becomes Wash isn't coming back and she might as will move one. No one will tell her because they can't, they want Wash back just as much as Zoe.

Mal has started to teach River to fly the ship. When I found out I was on edge all month cause I was sure that the next time we went Atmo would be the last time, and each time we landed I expected it to be in a ball of burning wreckage. But she's actually pretty good at it, especially now that she isn't as crazy a she was before. That isn't to say she isn't crazy, it's just a lot more focused now. I thought Zoe might take offense seeing Wash replaced so soon, but she was glad. I think seeing that empty chair hurt her more than she was willing to admit, just another reminder that this ship is emptier than it's ever been.

Now, right now, everyone's asleep. We just finished a job that involved transporting antiques called Bobble Heads, I don't get them but they're funny to look at, especially after a long swig from the hooch I've been making using old fruit and some alcohol I stole from Simon's Infirmary. Everyone is asleep, but I'm up. I guess everyone _else_ is asleep and I'm awake sitting here in the cargo bay listening to…well nothing. The only sounds are those of the ship breathing and after being on the ship for so long I can barely even hear it anymore.

The truth is every time I close my eyes I see them, the snarling mutilated faces of the reavers. They scratch and bite and rent everything they touch apart…and I'm powerless against them. I punch and kick and use every weapon in my arsenal I have and still each time I lift my arm the weapon is gone and whenever I throw a punch all momentum disappears. It was easy before. To shoot them meant riding the' Verse of another monster, but now when I think of them, of the ones I've killed, my stomach and mind revolt, I feel like doubling over and puking all the gorram things in my stomach. Each exploit becomes a murder and each mindless reaver just another person, like Kaylee or Inara or my mother….

I've been dreaming of her, my mother…like one of them. She yells and snarls and bares her teeth but I look at her eyes and it's her and she's begging me to do something, to stop it, to stop her, to save her and I lift my hand with the gun and I aim but I can't shoot, I can't do it, I'm not strong enough, and I close my eyes and lift my gun and my chest feels tight, I can't breathe, all I can do is hear her yell, terrible things, and I shut my eyes and I lift my arm, through the tightness in my chest, past the tears in my eyes, the roar in my ears and shoot…and she goes down. I'm left standing there above her body, no sounds, no sight, just the black and all I want to do is die.

So I sit here while everyone is asleep because no one will say anything, not to me, to Zoe. But it has to be obvious, someone has to notice, because if nobody does…Zoe sleeps without a problem, I guess sleep is better than to be awake and aware of his presence, or absence of. But, each time I close my eyes I see the moldering corpse of my mother lying there with her empty begging eyes. It haunts me. But it's stupid, I know my mom is alive, I just got a letter from her saying she got my money. But every time I close my eyes I'm haunted by the image of the most innocent person in the 'Verse turned into one of those things because of a disease, a mistake, and I wonder if any of the reavers I've killed had once been like my mother, someone's mother, and I killed them, we've all killed them and now I don't know if we're murderer's or something else like angels of death…But it's not like we go out and try to find them, it's not like we want to kill them but the possibility is always there and I can't sleep thinking of the possibility, of the chance that next time I'll see a reaver, it'll be my mother…and no one will say anything.


	2. Chapter 2, Simon

My whole body aches…Lying here in my bed isn't helping…Even after hours of surgery I still feel as If I've failed, I feel as if I've failed and I feel powerless against it…Maybe if I close my eyes and try to forgot, just for a second….

I have my eyes open before I realize I've been sleeping. I try to move but my muscles protest and so I lay still and try hard not to move or think about yesterday. I breathe deep with my nose and exhale with my mouth in an attempt to keep myself from thinking, and hope to fall back asleep. I lay in bed hoping that my exhaustion will get the better of me and finally pull me under…there's a smell, in my room. I can't quite place it, sharp and metallic…Sharp and metallic and it almost killed him…He just stood there and slowly crumpled to the ground, as if his body was trying to fold in on itself in an attempt to protect it from any further damage. But the damage was done and we barely got him back on board, he was so heavy. It never ceases to surprise me how fragile the human body is even for men like Jayne who pride themselves in their strength. Yet, that small bullet tore through him like an iron brand.

The plan was a fail from the start. Mal and Zoe were supposed to go in and negotiate a price, that was all, but something went wrong which lead to the tiny piece of metal being lodged into Jayne's body and even after hours of surgery he laid there, like I lay here, motionless.

Things were getting better on Serenity. That prevailing miasma of death that had crept into every corner of the ship was slowly dissipating and we were starting to feel like a family again. Meals were fun and filling in more than just the physical sense, we were talking again and Zoe was there, really there. River is as health as I've ever seen her, and Inara and Mal were happy, Kaylee and I were able to continue our friendship without allowing our sex lives to compromise it, and Jayne was lying on an examination table recovering from surgery from a bullet hole the size of a piece of fruit…

I close my eyes in another attempt to fall into unconsciousness, I begin my rhythmic breathing again and try and clear my mind. I can feel a slow numbness spread through my body and I can feel myself slowly fall into sleep when I smell it again, the metallic smell. I open my eyes and look around but I don't see anything so I close my eyes again but the smell surrounds me and it permeates the air and I can't sleep because of it.

I struggle with my body, and with an effort equal to a feat of Atlas I lift myself off of bed. I struggle to remain up right and after several seconds I start to walk towards the infirmary to check on Jayne. He's just as I left him, motionless with and oxygen mask over his face to assist with his breathing. He's so pale, loss of blood…I had to use synthetic blood since he was bleeding out too quickly and didn't have time to get the blood I usually keep in a cold storage chest. Later, when his vitals stabilize a bit more I'll start a transfusion…

I climb up into the dining area to get something to eat. Sitting at the table Zoe's cutting an apple into slices.

"What are you doing up so late," I ask her looking around for something to eat, not really feeling like talking, but not wanting to seem rude.

"I was waiting…well I can't really sleep right now and well I got hungry Doctor,"

"I'm sorry it's just, everyone else has gone to bed and well…"

I look around the dining area still covered with some of the remains of last day's meal and dig around for something edible. I finally find some left-over's on the stove and decide to just eat them cold. It tastes like a mix between beef stew and dirt with globs of cold grease for texture. I guess Zoe notices the look on my face and begins to chuckle.

"What," I ask wondering how ridiculous I really look.

"Nothing, it's nothing, so Doctor tell me what _you're_ doing up so late,"

"Well, I guess I can't sleep either…"

The silence that follows is more uncomfortable than I'm used to and I decided to fill in the space by shoveling another spoon full of old, greasy stew into my mouth. Now that I'm standing here, I realize that Zoe is one of the crew members I still haven't spent much time with alone. In fact, I realize that the person on Serenity which I continually find myself alone with is Jayne, a scary thought. Not only for the fear that any one of Jayne's personal traits might rub off on me like a virus, but the near sub-conscious thought that I almost lost my closest friend on this ship.

"Are you okay," ask Zoe standing up looking at me a bit warily, "you look a bit…pale Doc', maybe you should sit down."

"No I'm okay, I'm just…tired, but I can't sleep. I guess I'm just worried about him, Jayne, that bullet really tore through him and I'm worried there's something I missed, a piece of shrapnel, a burst blood vessel, a blocked blood vessel, a drop in heart pressure, a rise of blood pressure…there's just so much that can still go wrong and I can't sleep, not yet, not till he's in the clear."

I realize how desperate I sound but all of it is true, so much can still go wrong maybe something already went wrong and I need to be there to help him because standing here, right now, I realize that something has already gone wrong with Jayne. After spending so much time with him I realize he hasn't been acting like himself, he's taciturn, reserved, he's edgier than I've ever seen him and…I hadn't noticed.

"Simon," Zoe, "You won't be any good for Jayne if you're ready to fall over from lack of sleep. Maybe you should try and get a few hours of sleep. I'll go down and sit with Jayne and if anything happens I'll wake you right away."

I'm ready to protest, but anything I might have said dies with the look of concern on Zoe's face. I think that's the most emotion I've seen her express since…So I nod and thank her, I make my way back down to my bunk. I stretch and exhale a harsh breath from my lungs and look at myself in the mirror… I'm covered in blood.


	3. Chapter 3, Zoe

Wash's death was more painful than I ever thought possible. He was my reward, my lover, and my home. With him gone, all I had left was my job and I decided to devote my life to it entirely. I stopped listening, feeling, seeing, caring…Mal was doing his best to mind his own business, as long as what's happening doesn't compromise a job he'll let anything pass. Time passed as I slept and I dreamed of old planets and jobs, but mostly I dreamt of home…

One day, after delivering the antique bobble heads, I woke up from a deep sleep. I remember being thirsty and drifting towards the dining area. Walking through the cargo bay I saw Jayne sitting on the walkway with his legs hanging over the edge. I had to walk past him and I remember the look he gave me, a cross between concern and disdain. I didn't think much of it, but with Jayne one of the biggest mistakes people make is underestimating him. He's like that, one day he says something that makes you think he's dumber than a baboon's ass, but other times he can be devious, clever, and frighteningly cunning. I should have known that look meant more than I first thought. But at the time I didn't make much of it.

A few days later I woke up a few hours before everyone else. In the kitchen I found Jayne making a large pan of scrambled eggs, "are you cooking," I asked with a lot more surprise than I meant to show.

"No I'm shaving cats, of course I'm cooking."

"No it's just…I don't think I've ever seen you cook…"

Jayne turned back to his eggs and I sat down at the table. A few minutes later he put a plate in front of me with pretty delicious looking eggs. He set another plate in front of himself and sat down across from me and began to spoon eggs into his mouth. We sat in silence and ate. Occasionally Jayne would look up to see if I was eating. I decided that since he put the effort into making them then I might as well eat them. They were better than I thought,

"Where did u get the eggs anyways, we haven't been planetside in quite a while,"

"I found them in the fridge hidden under that pot of stew that's been there for a year."

"I didn't know you could cook,"

"course I can cook, who do you think feed all the kids back home,"

"I didn't know you had any brother and sisters,"

"I don't, have a lot of cousins."

We stopped talking and finished eating our food. As we sat there I noticed that Jayne kept staring at me, he got up and placed his plate in the sink. He turned around and stared at me for longer than I felt comfortable with.

"What," I finally snapped,

"You know…it's okay if you don't want to cry and it's fine if you don't want to talk, but it's not okay to just leave, to just signing off, to stop feeling cause your too scared to deal."

"How the hell would you know what I'm going through you useless piece of go-se, Gwan nee tzi-jee duh shr." I said seething with anger. But Jayne didn't back off, instead my anger seemed to encourage him.

"You know Zoe, its pathetic and it-"

"What would you know anything about it, all you ever do is care for yourself. You've never been with anyone. The closest relationships you have are with your guns, so how would you know what it's like to lose your husband, how would you know what it's like to lose the person you love the most, tell me, tell me how anything you say can make it better, tell me!"

"Your right I don't know what it's like to lose a husband, but don't for a second think I aint ever known someone who aint' no longer around. I've lost more people who have meant more to me than…but you know what you go ahead rot away, I don't give a shit if you do, but Kaylee looks up to you and so does River and if your gonna do that shit than it's better if you'd just leave, cause seeing you here every day like, like this, like one of those people… It's too much Zoe so either have yourself a long cry or just leave cause I can't stand to see you walking around like a corpse…like one of them !"

Jayne got out of his chair so hard it slammed against the floor. I was left alone in at the table wondering where the hell he got off thinking he could judge, could give me advice. I've lost the one person who really understood me, who loved me regardless of the way I acted and the things I've done and he thought he could tell me that my mourning was wrong.

I sat there my thoughts a storm when Mal and the rest of the crew started to sit down with their breakfasts. I wondered how good it would feel to beat Jayne to a bloody pulp. I hate feeling this way, I was so confused but I didn't understand why and how Jayne so easily got under my skin. I was tired, confused, and angry and I couldn't stop thinking that maybe Jayne had a point. I looked up to see who was there, Kaylee was there with River and Inara and they were talking about something I hadn't been paying any attention too. I remembered a time when Wash was still with us when I used to take part in these conversations. Did it hurt too much to talk to them? Was Jayne right, was I just scared to talk to someone? With Wash gone I felt like nothing else mattered, but was I really hurting Kaylee and River? Was I letting them down, was I letting the crew down?

Everyone started leaving and soon the only person left at the table was me and River. She was looking that at the table, slowly rubbing her hands against the grain of the wood, something I've seen Jayne do often. Why hadn't he just left me alone? Why couldn't he let me mourn in peace? Why did he have to make me feel guilty for mourning my own husband?

"He's afraid," said River looking right at me with big glassy eyes.

"I don't know…"

"He's afraid that you're slowly decaying from the inside out. He thinks that the next time he has to go to your room to wake you up he'll find you dead, like so many others, like that planet, like the people of Miranda, and he can't stand it. He can't stand to see you walking around like a monument to the dead. Jayne celebrates life and you terrify him and…we miss you Zoe, your family misses you."

I don't exactly remember what happens after that. I remember walking back to my room and wrapping myself in the sheets that remind me so much of home, of him. His clothes and toys thrown all over the place and I can't stand it, I can't bare it because he was right, I am afraid. I wrap myself tighter with the sheets that smell like my dead husband and for the first time in the longest time I cry, and I don't stop not for a long time. I'm lost in my grief, but when I finally do stop when the tears dry off and I'm looking around my room, our room, I don't feel as bad as I did before and maybe next time when I can't quite bare it, I won't be so afraid to do what my husband deserves, I won't be so afraid to cry for him, to mourn him.


	4. Chapter 4, Jayne

My existence is hell, this is hell, I'm in hell. I woke up in the Infirmary, actually I came to awareness in the Infirmary. I could feel something wrapped around my torso so tight I could barely breathe and there was something unbearably itchy on my face, but I couldn't scratch. I tried lifting my arms but I couldn't muster the strength, so I laid there in misery, and itchiness. My head felt as if it hung above me separate from my body and five times its usual size. Everything that was once easy to do like, breathing for example, became difficult and I was sure that if I didn't pay the upmost attention to doing it, then I'd die. So I laid still and tried my hardest not to die, and as time passed I drifted off.

The next time I awoke was infinitely worse than the last, rather than the heavy weight of something on my chest, all I could feel was a burning so terrible I was sure I was on fire. I tried lifting my arms to pat the fire out but I couldn't, my arms were paralyzed and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't lift them. I tried moving my legs, my head, anything but nothing would move. I began to hyperventilate which made the pain on my chest flare. My vision wavered and I felt my stomach twist and next thing I knew I spewed the contents of my stomach, but I couldn't turn my head and soon I choked on it, tasting it, trying my hardest to swallow it back down but not being able to do it fast enough…I was wrong, _this _is hell.

Later, I came to lying slightly upright in my bed. I turned and there I could see River sitting in a chair next to my bed. I tried my hardest not to call attention to myself, I just wanted to rest. But my face still itched and so I scratched. Though my chest aches and burns with what fells like fire straight from the depths of hell, the relief that floods through my system at being able to easily move my limbs pulls a groan from deep within it. River looks up at me and smiles, a bit disconcerting.

"Big word," she says getting up and filling a glass with water, "you really scared us you know, if Zoe hadn't been there you would have drowned in your own vomit. That would have been a bad way to go, at least for the big bad Jayne. Simon would have been angry too, after hours of surgery, to die in your own vomit would have been the ultimate insult to him."

She hands me the glass of water and I take long pulls of water so good and refreshing I would have happily drowned in it. After finishing it I hand the glass back and she fills it up half way and hands it back.

"I'm sorry," I say and finish off the glass of water. I look down at myself and to the layers of badges covering my chest.

"Not your fault…just don't going doing it again anytime soon," with that she pranced her way out of the room. To fill in the emptiness I tried remembering what had happed that got me in this mess. I remember a busy market place, and going to set up the meeting. Mal, Zoe, and me were there and so was the rest of the crew, though they drifted off to look around the market place. I don't remember much after that, just parts here and there, boring details I didn't bother paying attention to then, but sharply aware of it now. I remember a woman, poor and dark, she was saying something about her son and then…and then I woke up in the Infirmary.

I tried to get out of bed, it was slow going and when finally got my leg over the side of the bed I was drenched with sweat and breathing heavily. My chest still burned and, curious, I lifted some of the bandages to see underneath, what was there was a large row of staples straight across the top of one side of my chest to the bottom of the other.

"Sorry about that," said Simon surprising me bad enough to flinch, which just irritated my chest and caused it to pulse with pain, "the hole was so big none of the synthetic adhesives would hold it close and all I had in the Med Bay was the Dermal Mender and the staples…and the mender couldn't close the hole so I had to use the staples…"

Simon was looked around the room with the interest of a person who's trying their hardest to avoid your gaze.

"Don't worry about it Doc, you saved my life and that's worth a few staples across the chest and a butt ugly scar," Simon looked up from the floor and gave a tentative smile. I rubbed my hands across the scratchy wool blanket waiting for Simon to say something. Instead he just stared at me like he was waiting for me to do something like evaporate into thin air or, more likely, fall over dead.

Behind him I could see Mal walking towards us and I couldn't help let out a small groan,

"So I see our princess hired gun finally awoke from her deep sleep," said Mal walking into my room as if he owned it…which I guess he did…but still. "So, Simon did you kiss our princess awake,"

"Very funny Captain, it's nice to see you so worried about the health of your crew. If you were wondering Jayne isn't ready to go on any jobs-"

"There's a job," I interrupted Simon eliciting a slight frown from him,

"No, at least not for you," said Simon staring Mal down, daring him to contradict doctors orders. Mal must have got the clue since he turned to leave.

"Fine, Jayne can stay but that means I'll need to find someone to fill his place, that means you Doc,"

"What, no…I can't… I still need to run some test on Jayne to make sure he's healing well,"

"Well in that case I'll take you sister,"

"What, no…I mean…I'm sure the job will go fine even with a person missing,"

"It's okay," said River popping her head out of one of the over head hatches, "Jayne needs to rest and you're the only one who can make sure he's healthy so I'll go, and don't worry," she said interrupting Simon in his process of worrying, "nothing exciting is going to happen."

With that she and Mal left and I was left alone with Simon who was still looking at me strangely. Not in the mood to do anything but rest, maybe eat, I started to make my way slowly out of bed, to stand.

"Are you…okay," asked Simon looking at me expectantly,

"I'm fine…"I said wondering were exactly he was trying to go with this.

"No I mean are you _okay_, do you maybe want to talk…" asked Simon, making me wonder what the gorram hell _he_ was talking about,

"What the gorram hell are you talking about," I asked trying my best to lift myself out of bed and failing miserably.

Simon walked over to me and helped me out of bed, but instead of helping me to the kitchen he walked me to the Infirmary and sat me down on the examination table. After an hour of poking and prodding and general doctoring, he finally let me eat…by bringing me something down since he didn't want me to "exert" myself on the walk up.

After that things settled down and I was left alone in my room for some time. As I waited for something, anything to happen, I again tried to reconstruct the events of my getting shot. The women, her son, the job… The sound of the gun, the blackness, and now, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't remember…I guess I can always ask Mal…but I hate being in any debt to him. His favors are always the worst imaginable thing, the bastard. Too bad, guess I won't be finding out anytime soon.

Simon wandered into my room and asked how I was feeling for what felt like the hundredth time, and like each time said I was fine. He told me that I still wasn't ready to be getting out of bed and that I should at least rest for the next two days. He made me realize how tired I actually felt and so I decided to lay down in bed and try and sleep. So for the next hour or so I spent my time trying to sleep but I couldn't, the pain, strain and exhaustion of my muscles, the reasons why I wanted to sleep, were keeping me awake. I struggled with my mind and body; one too weak, the other flawed, I'm sure the crew would have a great time deciding which was which…Later Simon walked into the room to check on me, again.

"Are you still awake," he asked sitting down in the chair that River had previously been sitting in, he folded his legs and began reading a book he was holding. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep through my irritation. Gorram it, why did all shit have to fall on me, why was I the one who always got shot through the chest, couldn't it be Mal more, that would be shiny and why was I the one who always got left alone with the gorram doctor. I looked up and, sure enough, Simons still there. I groan not caring if he hears me, I'm tired, I just want to sleep, and I don't want to stay up to have a talk.

"Are you feeling well, are you in pain, I can give you something to help ease the edge off," as Simon continues his long diatribe about pain killers, I begin to think about whether I should bring up my brief stint in hell and its resulting paralysis, or should I bring up the nightmares…I mean he did say that if I wanted to talk, fuck it,

"Simon I…well…lately I've been having trouble sleeping-"

"are the staples in your chest keeping you up, is it the pain cause like I said I can give you something for that-"

"No doc, I've been getting them since before, I just…I can't sleep anymore not since what happened…on Miranda…I have these nightmares…" that's as far as I can go, it's too embarrassing to say anymore, to show him how weak I really am…

Simon just sits there looking at me with his book in his hands, I close my eyes and rub my hands against the bandages on my chest trying to distract myself from how miserable I am right now. The nightmares had been getting worse and I tried to stay up as often as I could…then I got shot. The market place, the women, the gun…I saw the gun she had it in her hands she lifted it pointed it…

"If they're really bad I can give you a mild sedative, have you had any nightmares since your…accident,"

"No…I haven't, but once when I came to, I couldn't move it was like someone was holding me down…"

"An allergic reaction possibly…or maybe the dose was too high…or maybe the mixture of different medicines caused-"

"It don't matter what happened I just know I don't want it to happen again."

"…Well if you really want to we can start out with low doses and slowly build them up to see how it affects you…but only if you can't sleep without them. Maybe it would do you some good to talk about your dreams,"

"I don't think I can doc…"again the feeling of inadequacy and weakness dripped to every part of my body. The shame I felt for does dreams and the futility in not being able to stop them…the people, my people, the blood, the screams, my mother, everyone left to the birds, to rot, like carrion.

Simon sat there clearly wondering what he could do for me and came to the same conclusion as I did, at the same time, that there probably wasn't anything he could do or any drugs he could give me that could possibly make things better. So we sat there together and through the silence, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel so alone and so scared and as long as Simon was going to sit there then maybe I could sleep…


End file.
